Valentine’s Day

To begin, I will tell you that I’m not about to reinvent the wheel. I’m going to talk about how dumb love is and how the Hallmark Card Company is more evil than Hitler harnessing Mothra to finish the Final Solution. If you’re looking for originality, get off the Internet and read a book.

With that out of the way, Valentine’s Day is bullshit. I can’t believe I have to say that to anyone and hope I haven’t offended their sensibilities. Christmas has a heritage. Thanksgiving has history. Valentine’s Day has paper hearts duct taped to walls. It’s a bigger cash grab than those paper cut machines/money cyclone games.

Now, I know pointing that out makes me a dick and, as anyone with even the smallest bit of common sense could figure out, it’s the reason that I’m alone. I don’t have an issue with that. OK, I do, but I don’t expect anyone to make up for it for me. I refuse to make concessions about who I am, but I don’t expect anyone else to make concessions for me. Valentine’s Day, on the other hand, has turned into the day that happy together people decide to talk about how lonely people are jealous of them.

Some of that can be blamed on social networking making everyone think that whatever happens to be spilling out of their brains that particular day is incredible, but have some self-awareness. I don’t expect anyone to tell me I’m awesome for this. I’d be surprised if anyone reads it since most of you will be spending tonight penetrating and/or being penetrated. Regardless, if you’re not a fan of Valentine’s Day or the entire concept of love, today is the day where you’re supposed to feel bad for it and realize the error of your ways and find the person that you are meant to be with. If you’re currently in a relationship, stop reading here and have a nice night sweating on your significant other.

For the rest of us, here’s what Valentine’s Day is. You leave the house and the people on the radio remind you that you’re alone. You get to school or work and there are Factory Card Outlet hearts on a clothesline. Another reminder. All the happy people want to talk about is how they’re going to do something happy with their happy partner and that somehow means that they’ll be happy forever. Then, you go home and you nurse something far too alcoholic to drink alone. You try to watch TV, but everything on TV is love-themed. You try to go on the Internet, but all you see is people flaunting how happy they are with their happy happy. Then, you go to bed, either miserable or trained to be emotionless and you try to sleep, but you’re too busy thinking about that person you wish you were with (who is likely happy, since not happy people aren’t desirable), so you decide to rub one out so you can just end this depressing day, but right after you finish, you look at the airtight daddy-issued bimbo that you ended up on and think “Jesus, even she’s happy, isn’t she?”

And then you cry by yourself because you couldn’t cry in public because that would be raining on the happy people parade.

And when it comes down to it, it’s not really all that different to any other day. The only difference is that, today, you’re not supposed to talk about it because that would be rude to the happy people, unlike public displays of affection, which are just how happy people prove how happy they are to all the other happy people because, to them, everyone is happy.

After a half hour of writing, I realize that I don’t really have a point here. I’m just rambling. So, I’ll just list the rest of my issues because this isn’t making me feel any better anyway.

- If you’re a guy that chose to invest in a Valentine’s Day present, you’re a sap.
- If you’re a girl that pushed your boyfriend into investing in a Valentine’s Day present, you’re a self-centered bitch.
- Everyone at the Hallmark Card Company is profiting off of peer pressure and that makes them horrible people.
- The only way a relationship ends happily is if both parties die in a relatively painless car crash. Otherwise, you’re either going to break up and be sad or be together until one of you dies and then the remaining party will be sad.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

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Every guy fears dick cheese, but don’t ignore cheese dick: the result of peeing after eating Cheez-Its.

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The only way this would be more accurate is if it said “Aptly Labelled Building”.

The only way this would be more accurate is if it said “Aptly Labelled Building”.

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Just heard “Jessica” by The Allman Brothers and for the next three days, repeatedly, in my head.

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"How many times do I have to tell you you’re deaf?" - a blind guy

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To the guy that just pissed in an open stall instead of using one of the 4 free urinals: I don’t respect you but I admire you.

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I was late for my first class because I thought I had enough time to watch Bob’s Burgers. Also, I still wear Velcro shoes.

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Are the Oakland A’s ever going to come out of their angsty phase?

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dorkly:

Grand Theft Auto Eating Habits
Aim for the head.

dorkly:

Grand Theft Auto Eating Habits


Aim for the head.

235 notes

2012 Things to Do Before 2012 is Over

alexwatt:

  • Blink a lot.

I’m going to blink so hard I cry.

9 notes

(Source: orangieporangiepuddingpie, via officialcomedy)

484,032 notes

Schizophrenia :D

Schizophrenia :D

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The worst.

The worst.

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LARRY KING GETS IT.

LARRY KING GETS IT.

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collegehumor:

Reporter Labeled “White Ho”
Norah O’Donnell seems to have a bit of a reputation.

Such unprofessional journalism. There is absolutely enough room to fit “The White Whore”.

collegehumor:

Reporter Labeled “White Ho”

Norah O’Donnell seems to have a bit of a reputation.

Such unprofessional journalism. There is absolutely enough room to fit “The White Whore”.

460 notes